Breathe

The last year has been such a blur.  Mom passed on September 24th, 2019.  If you asked me today the date I am still somewhere in June or July I think.  It certainly doesn't feel like December and it sure doesn't feel real.  I feel like I'm in a  movie and we've fast forwarded most of it and I've missed something.  Weird...  

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving.  I'm so thankful for my family and we all have a relationship with Christ.  This year thanksgiving honestly felt like just another day. 

I'm trying to slow my mind and heart but it just all seems off. 

Since September I've looked at videos and pictures a thousand times.  

I keep reminding myself to breathe and to keep moving.  I know so many people suffer loss and I know we have to learn to deal with it and move forward it just so much harder than I was prepared for.  

The headstone came in.  It looks so good but it still just another hard.  

Grace and I put up a few things the day after Thanksgiving.  I could hear her so vivid during the process.  Because we've done it so long I can hear exactly what she'd be saying.  

I've collected new decorations this year and new ornaments I think the new helps in some weird odd way for me. 

Oh the sweet sweet memories, that seems literally like yesterday.  Kacey too this one this summer.

This was such a hard hard day.  The memory is hard, and I've blocked parts of it out.  We had Labor day at our house and they came ate.  She seemed good, we sat out in the yard and she watched the kids play boche ball.  Grace - moved to shorter Aug 16 but was home for the long weekend.  

The next day Tuesday, I got off work and went in their house.  Dad was in the recliner and Mom on the couch asleep.  I could see the fear in his eyes.  He simply said.  "Something is different".  She was having difficulty moving her feet, confused and was sleeping more.  It was already past 5 and our appointment was the next day so that brought some comfort.  She had a UTI so we were thinking that may possibly be causing the issues.  The next day (Wednesday) I expressed our concern that we worried the UTI hadn't cleared and expressed all our concerns.  He did a brain scan.  came in and said that the cultures were back and the infection wasn't severe and that wasn't causing the issues.  He thought her issues are a side effect of the brain cancer.  Her scans that day had shown more lesions and swelling.  He was sending her scans to Childs to see if she was a candidate for radiation.  For the first time he looked us in the eye and said he needed us to prepare.  Thursday - she got her treatment and they decided to move up the chest scan.  That night she had an episode where she got winded and couldn't breathe.  Friday (The day this picture was taken) - She had her chest scan and we were told they would call.  I had gone to the nurses station and told them about the fact she couldn't catch her breathe and they told us to stay.  They got us back and the news wasn't good.  Her lung is full of fluid.  I asked if that meant pneumonia, and he said no the malignancy had taken over the lung.  He said he didn't recommend further treatment.  We were to head to the hospital to have a tube inserted to help her breath more comfortable.  He recommended Hospice.  The other lung had a blood clot.  

When he said Hospice, my sweet Momma knew.  She sat in that wheel chair because her legs wouldn't work like she needed them too and she cried.  Not a sob like I so in my heart wanted to do but slow single tears sliding down her face.  I'm pretty sure I left a piece of my heart in CCI that day.  

So this picture was taken as we were leaving CCI for the last time.  This picture is one of my hero, who fought with all she had for 2 years and 9 months.  Never complaining.  She was a valiant warrior.  This picture doesn't show the heartbreak we all had, the fact that Dad wasn't ready to drive to the hospital yet.  He asked if she wanted a coke icee and she said yes, so we went and got an icee at burger king but they didn't have coke so we found a sonic.  We were totally mentally gathering, stalling begging for more time.  Just for it to feel normal even if it were only for a minute. 
So we got to the hospital and were admitted to room  797.  Her lung was drained and she felt better so quickly.  My daddy fought to the last day.  The morning she passed he and I checked her blood pressure it kept giving an error and he would say look at that your pressure is perfect your doing so good.  He never wanted her to be alone or afraid.  He fought right along side of her.  Now my prayers are for him for peace, comfort and for him to find his joy again.  He is so quite and lost.  Every day is a mental battle.  

Pictures are totally in no order.  :)

August 16, our girl moved into her dorm and I left a piece of my heart in Rome, GA.

You think you are mentally prepared for these moments and then you realize you were totally fooling yourself.  You are never ready and it's always hard.  Much like when we left Kacey 4 years earlier, we cried when we left and cried all the way home.  And let's be honest we cried for days.  Change is so hard and this year has been rittled with changed after change.  I have to remind myself to breathe some days.  

So today I'm thankful for my crew who has been on the battle line with my for this hard hard year.  Year of change, chaos and hard.  

I'm thankful for health.  We've had some scares and bumps along the way and sometimes the weight has been overwhelming.  I have changed and I know this.  I wish I could get back some of who I was.  I feel anxious and numb some days and lots of noise or chaos feeds the anxiety.  I am battling with the help of my crew and Christ.  In Him alone there is comfort and healing.